I graduated with my BEd in 2002 and with my Masters in 2024. I finally fulfilled what I thought was impossible…getting a graduate degree. Statistically the numbers were against me as Indigenous peoples’ rate of graduating from a post secondary school are pretty low. Not only that, my undergrad GPA was not the greatest and I was told several times I needed to upgrade to get into a masters program. I achieved what I thought was impossible and was accepted into a graduate program. Not only was I accepted and excelled…I graduated with a 3.97 GPA. Achieving such a feat was not easy. Within the first couple of days of my masters my dad was airlifted to the provincial capital. He had emergency surgery on his spine. This surgery was one of five in total. He has cauda equina, a debilitating condition that can lead to permanent problems. During the time I was away my cat needed a lifesaving operation. I thought I was done with the negative events over, however my husband had a heart attack after I returned from my first summer on campus. Over the course of the next two years my family encountered more setbacks: my dad required more surgery, he cannot live at home, and lastly and most heartbreaking, my husband passed away…it was our 15 year old son who found him and we are still healing from the trauma and loss.

As you can see the last few years have been very trying to say the least. When I was offered vice principalship I was happy but it really did not sink in given all the events that occurred. I was pleased that I finally was able to achieve a dream of mine. Little did I know, it was going to be an experience unlike anything I had experienced before.

The year started off in a seemingly positive way. I met the principal and we seemed to be on the same page. As a leader, relationships has always been a high priority for me especially given the area we live in. The Indigneous population in the area is quite high and the mistrust of the education system is very evident. Building relationships with all stakeholders is key to bridging that gap and develop trust. I figured we would have a good year based on the initial conversations. He seemed like a good person with good intentions.

My first red flag occurred during the first staff meeting with the high school and outreach. The principal told all staff members that he did not apply for the job, he was chosen by the superintendent. He was supposed to clean up because it was such a mess. When he was telling us this I thought to myself, oh yikes, this is not a way to start a meeting or make a first impression. I cringed listening to him and felt secondhand embarrassment. To me, it came across as very entitled and arrogant. I dismissed it hoping that it was a one off.

By December I was seeing more and more evidence of us not being on the same page. I felt that whenever I shared my perspective, it was not acknowledged or considered. In meetings with him it was mainly him talking. Many times I heard the same stories over and over again. He often would say that the students like him and always tell him that he’s different from the other admins in the past. He spoke highly of himself and quite often. It was like a broken record playing over and over again. I heard it in different contexts and with different people. My father often talked about “leaders” like him. He called them “I, me, my” people. Those are the ones who talk about themselves all the time and how they’ve done this and that. They never talk about the team or others in the team who have contributed. This type of leadership which was very self centred was not effective in creating a collaborative or supportive environment, leaving valuable perspectives overlooked and voices unheard. I talked to him about transparency, communication, and collaboration and when they are not present it can lessen trust. He told me not to use the trust and in the same sentence told me I needed to trust his vision. 🤷🏽‍♀️

I began to pay close attention to the words he said and often found that he was not truthful. At the presentation to the board he spoke of teachers wanting to have a weekly newsletter. I found out that the teachers did not agree to this, rather it was pushed on them. The board asked how many pages the newsletter was and he told them 2-3 pages. What? No. The newsletter is 7-8 pages. He flat out lied to the board and the superintendent.

I noticed the lies seemed to be rather frequent. He seems to be a pathological liar, as he fabricates stories to create the illusion that he’s a good educator. In all my years of education I have never crossed paths with someone like him. I’ve had some bad leaders but never like this. This situation was not something I ever came across while taking my Masters in Educational Leadership. We discussed all sorts of leadership but never to this extreme. This was not something I was prepared for and it was something that deeply bothered me. Leaders are not supposed to demand that people do not question them and do as they say. That’s not leadership, that’s dictatorship.

This is not something I expected in leadership. My hope was that I would be part of a team to move the school forward. Instead I am not valued and looked at like I am beneath the principal. In one meeting I was taking some notes because lately he has been making notes afterwards and sending them in emails. He does not accurately capture the meeting and adds information that he did not talk about. When I was taking notes for myself he demanded that I write down something…he demanded twice. I am at a loss as to what to do because I have spoken up and the issues I see have not been addressed. We have to get along and the district is even supplying us with someone to help us move forward. How do you trust a leader who is not truthful and is demanding? How do you move forward when you are not a part of the team and looked upon as servant? This is not something I ever imagined leadership to be…

Over the years, I’ve frequently experienced being unheard, particularly within the realm of education. I understand this is deeply ingrained in a system that people tend to overlook unless they are marginalized and have experienced it themselves. When addressing issues important to us, resistance and hesitation are common responses. Indigenous peoples are sometimes unfairly labeled as troublemakers or too emotional when, in reality, we seek to address recurring issues we witness or experience. Imagine the constant need to defend your perspective because someone is uncomfortable with your truths.

As we work towards reconciliation, it’s crucial to recognize the significant emotional labour undertaken by Indigenous peoples. Often this goes by unnoticed. Allies and accomplices must share the responsibility; expecting Indigenous peoples to always lead the way lacks empathy and understanding. One way to progress is by establishing connections with Indigenous communities in your area to build relationships. Each area within the colonial boundaries of Alberta is unique, and it’s vital to acknowledge the diversity among the Indigenous peoples of Alberta. Indigenous peoples can guide you but we cannot tell you what specifically what to do as we risk pan-indigenizing. It also lessens the emotional labour for us.

During a conversation with an Elder, they emphasized the importance of sharing our truths. They stressed that acknowledging our truths is essential, even if it causes discomfort for others. This discomfort can either motivate people to seek the truth or prompt them to shy away from it, and ultimately, we cannot control the lessons they draw from it.

I run a social media group page specifically for educators. The goal of it is to learn from authentic resources and also with the guidance of Indigenous educators and allies. I posted a picture from a different social media group as I thought it was a good learning opportunity for educators. It was a beautiful display with definitions of Indigenous peoples. It appeared to lack a proper definition for Métis and I addressed that with the original poster. It was not received well by the teacher at first but then it seemed it was. To me that was progress.

A friend also pointed out another issue with a different definition but I never addressed it because I know when we address issues some people receive it the wrong way. We’re often met with defensiveness and a resistance to hear our concerns.

I posted it on the group page as an example of performative action. I deleted the name and where it came from. It was met with a bit of controversy as some agreed with the post while others thought that the post should have acknowledged the good of the bulletin board and the teacher’s effort. While the bulletin board was indeed beautiful I thought it lacked proper definitions. I also thought that it appeared performative in nature. When moving towards reconciliation I think it’s important to have accurate information as misinformation can carry negative consequences. Accurate information…truth…is a fundamental component of reconciliation and addressing societal issues. Misinformation can exacerbate divisions and hinder the healing process. Performative actions can be counterproductive to reconciliation efforts because they often prioritize appearances over substance, leading to a lack of trust and real progress in addressing underlying issues. Genuine commitment and substantive change are crucial for effective reconciliation.

I was even met with anger from an individual. They thought the post was trash and even tried to intimidate me by stating it was possible misconduct for criticizing another teacher. They also stated that “lots of folks in the cities or down south like to speak up over real peoples living on the rez”. Speaking of trash posts and assumptions…🤔 My intent was for people to learn, for an Indigenous voice to be heard as often we let things slide.

I have a friend who recently told me “no more kiyam”. Often we “kiyam” and do not speak up because of many different factors. I just couldn’t let this issue slide and thought it was a good learning opportunity for teachers. Perhaps my wording wasn’t the greatest, but my intent was…I full heartedly believe that accurate information about us needs to be present and performative actions do not help us, it actually hinders us.

I have always said that as an Indigenous educated woman I have to be ten times better than others and even then it is not good enough. The district I work for has proved that time and time again and I’d like to move but teaching jobs are hard to come by.

Regardless of my education and how much I better myself I know that I will never get beyond a classroom teacher here. I am against a system that makes it difficult for me to advance myself in my career. I know that the district would never see it that way and they would say that I do not do enough as a leader. I recent put forth my resume to a Vice Principal position. I have a pretty impressive resume. I obtained my Leadership certificate and maintained a 4.0 GPA and I am also enrolled in a Masters program taking Educational Leadership.

It gets hard to maintain a good self esteem when you do everything you can to better yourself yet are never given a chance. As hard as it is on me I know that it isn’t about me. It’s about them. Working in a district that lacks a positive workplace culture is difficult. And I know it is time to live on. Hopefully next year will lead to more job opportunities and I can get out of this place. 🤞🏽

Some junior high students are not always the most pleasant people. I find that junior high has always been a tough age to deal with but with the pandemic it seems like it is amplified. In all my years of teaching I have dealt with difficult students but never like this year. The amount of disrespect and disregard for other people is at an ultimate high with many junior high students.

The amount of times I have been sworn at and called down is outrageous. I’ve never experienced anything like it in the classroom. It saddens me to think that these students are our future…if their attitudes continue our future will be in jeopardy.

Today one student was quite rude to me when I proposed an alternative way to do a particular assignment. The student thought it was “dumb” and very loudly expressed her opinion. I did tell her that it was a suggestion and I was trying to make student’s lives easier. I also acknowledged that she was being rude and disrespectful. I don’t think she liked that. After doing her assignment she asked to use the washroom and I allowed her to. She seemed to be taking a long time so I emailed our secretary and she made an all call telling her to get back to class. She did not like this again and said I was picking on her because she was white. This blew my mind. I did not acknowledge it because I know at this age they are looking for confrontation.

It saddens me that this disrespectful attitude seems to be more prominent amongst this particular group of students. There is no personal responsibility for their actions. I pray that these students have a revelation of some sort.

As Indigenous people we know that regardless there are times when we will be followed in stores. This bothers me because some people think Indigenous people are not trust worthy and steal. Although I am fair there are still times when I do get followed, my father, however is very visible and I have witnessed numerous occasions where people follow him in a store and I know it’s due to racial profiling.

Yesterday we were followed in a convenience store. He specifically wanted to go to this particular store as it has been around for many years and he used to go there in the early 1970s. For him it was a bit of reminiscing and nostalgia. It was for me as well as I remember going there as a young child. It was a treat to go there as we always got something interesting there.

There are many magazines and books in the store as well as many other treasures such as home decor and other nicknacks. They even have an old stand where you can buy heated peanuts! My dad wanted to go there as we were staying at a hotel and wanted something to read. As soon as we made our way to the area where the books and magazines the worker followed us there. I observed her. She “straightened” out magazines and lined them up. I knew why she was there and it had nothing to do with cleaning or tidying up…it had everything to do with her mistrust of an Indigenous man.

Rather than getting mad and upset over it my dad handled it in a different way. I found a book that had a chapter which was solely based on a relative of ours. He immediately wanted to buy the book. The lady was nearby and he told her that our relative was in the book and discussed some of our family history. He went on to tell her the nature of his work and what had brought him to the area initially. She stuck around trying to look like she was being helpful but I knew deep down why she hung around. I thought my dad handled the situation rather well.

We discussed the situation afterwards on our way home. He told me that he wanted to leave a lasting impression with the lady. Instead of her thinking negatively about Indigenous Peoples she can think of the experience with my dad. He was friendly and presented himself as a human being rather than a stereotype. Perhaps the experience will change her way of thinking…it is said that it can take seven generations for change to occur. Change may start with her and trickle down to future generations. Change is good, even if it is slow.

In the field of education I have come across some really good allies, but I have also come across “allies” who are in it to benefit themselves. To me these are not “allies”, they are “performative allies”. They reap the benefits of their actions in order to get ahead in their jobs, for accolades, credit, or to put themselves in the spotlight. Their actions are not genuine as the ultimate goal is for self gain. Often their voices are amplified over Indigenous Peoples.

Aligning yourself with an Indigenous person can be both beneficial and detrimental depending on how the relationship is viewed. If it is solely for personal gain it will be eventually revealed. Allowing the Indigenous person to be heard and recognized is imperative. It is their lived experience that can help build allies’ understandings of our past, present, and future.

Unfortunately, I have experienced the performative ally. I believe that every life experience is an opportunity to grow and learn regardless of the circumstances even if it was negative. I have learned from my experiences with performative allies. I know sometimes I trust too much and I need to listen to my intuition more. While I have learned my intuition is generally accurate, I lower my guard because I believe in the good of people. I think that’s part of my downfall. I trust too much.

In one situation I helped write a blog post with an individual. I added to what the individual wrote and added a couple quotes of my own. We began the process of writing about a year in a half ago. It sat after we were done. A lot of the work was hers but I did add to it and enhanced what was already there. The individual recently contacted me asking if it was okay to post and that she made some slight changes but said she couldn’t show me the changes. My guard went up right away. Why couldn’t she show me? When you write with someone it should always be an open book and both parties should have access to it prior to publishing. It’s the right thing to do. My intuition was on high alert and I actually listened to it. I know that having my name associated with her might not have been the best idea. There are a few Indigenous educators who have steered clear of her because they did not like how she presented herself online by speaking for us and often came across in an aggressive manner. The individual posted the blog prior to me even saying ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to the blog post. I did tell her that I did not want my name on it as I didn’t have the time or energy to be looking for a copy we shared (and in reality it wasn’t the exact blog post anyways as she made some changes to it). You can tell she didn’t edit properly after taking my name off because she has “we” in the blog and now it only acknowledges her as the sole writer. If true allyship was present there would be an acknowledgment of someone helping her. It could have been stated that she did not write it on her own and she had help from an individual who wished to remain anonymous.

In another situation I noticed that a different “ally” was taking credit for ideas that I put forth rather than acknowledging where she got the ideas from. It disheartened me because I try and acknowledge those who are deserving of it. When I worked in curriculum my supervisor would often compliment me on my work. While I did accept the compliment I also told her that the work done was not possible without other team members. I feel it is necessary to give credit where credit is due.

Acknowledging the information received and also the suggestions given can help build bridges between Indigenous Peoples and society. Far too often non Indigenous voices have been amplified over ours and this still continues to this day. In the district I work for there is a non Indigenous person who is in charge of the Indigenous education. The team works with curriculum yet none of them have a background in education. One book was suggested as a novel study. I had let the person in charge know it was a novel that was not appropriate as it was written by a non Indigenous person and there was appropriation in the book. It is also a book that Elders from those communities do not approve. The answer given back to me was that they would discuss it with the team. 🤔 I don’t think it was ever discussed because the novel is still being recommended on the team’s Google Classroom.

When Indigenous Peoples are dismissed and not taken seriously there are consequences. For me, I back off and tend to shut down. I do not like being used or feeling like I am unheard. I feel like the true allies are ones who actually listen and try to understand us without projecting their own selfishness upon being a “good ally”.

Here’s an excellent video describing performative allyship:

Seventeen. (2017, July 17). What is performative allyship? . YouTube. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=bm355j6HdKM

When I did my last student teaching I chose a school where I knew there was a high Indigenous population. I had family in the area and they allowed me to stay with them. Well, I was kind of with them. I was in basically an empty house with no heat at times. I had to keep the fire going so I wouldn’t freeze at night, but that is another story.

I was in a grade 3 class. The teacher was non-Indigenous. At first she seemed happy that I was there but I noticed she never helped with any resources or how to properly lesson plan. I slowly began to notice she wasn’t there to help me. I overheard a conversation between her and another teacher, she told the other teacher that she should get a student teacher so she could have someone do her supervision for her. I kept the comment to myself as I didn’t have a support system in the area and I definitely didn’t have one at the school even though my aunt worked there.

I was two hours away from the university I was attending and one weekend I traveled back so I could go to the Education Library and get some teacher resources. I was able to get a bunch of resources to help me out. The following Monday I was telling my cooperating teacher about the resources. She told me “oh, I have those resources right here” and she pointed to them on her shelf. I felt deflated. I spent time at the library and time traveling to and from the university to get those resources and she had them on her shelf?!?!

The cooperating teacher made things difficult for me while I was there. Communication was not very good at all. One day she pulled me out in the hallway and yelled at me while pointing her finger in my face. She said she didn’t know what to do with me. I could smell her breath. It smelled like stale wine. I was left feeling defeated once again. I tried to get resources only to find out she had her own. I tried to communicate with her only to be told she needed to leave right after school every day. I did all her supervision so it’s not like I could have talked to her during lunch.

When Indigenous Peoples experience racism, we know. We just know as we’ve experienced it our entire lives. I do believe there was some underlining racism there, but I couldn’t prove it so I didn’t discuss it with my university facilitator. I did mention it to my aunt who worked there (my aunt who is non-Indigenous).

I spoke to my university facilitator about the barriers I faced in the cooperating teacher’s classroom. He basically told me to sweep it under the rug and move on. Unfortunately that never happened as the cooperating teacher couldn’t let go and was mean to me afterwards. She would have snarky comments. Eventually I met with the principal about my experience there. He talked to the teacher (and as she walked into his office she snarky said hello to me) and I talked to people at the university. It decided that it was best to be placed elsewhere.

My aunt told me that I was not to bring up the racism I thought I experienced because “she had to work there when I was done”. I think this disappointed me the most. I know she had seen racism as she married into an Indigenous family, but I also know she hasn’t experienced it like we have. I would have thought family would have each other’s backs, but that wasn’t the case. It was a tough situation, but I did learn about human nature and how people protect themselves regardless of being family.

I’ve always been told things happen for a reason. And even though I went through a bad experience I ended up in a classroom where the teacher adored me.

Everyone’s mental health is touched by this pandemic. The varying degrees of how people are affected and cope is vast. I know for myself being a teacher in a middle school is extremely tough. In all my years of teaching I have not experienced the level of disrespect and disregard that I witness on a daily basis…and it’s draining. So draining.

As a teacher I take pride on my classroom management. A former colleague dubbed me as “the student whisperer” as I have been able to manage classes that are difficult. Not this year though. This year is very different. Strategies that worked in the past are not working. I’m finding a lot of students to be more entitled than ever before. Failing a class? Well, it must be the teacher’s fault. Not turning in assignments? Well, that definitely is the teacher fault. Not passing a test or quiz? Again, that has to be the teacher’s fault. There are no responsibilities taken. Teachers are blamed by students for their failures. We are used as scapegoats and I’m tired of it. It’s exhausting. It’s draining.

Not only are we scapegoats but we are sometimes their “punching bags”.

“I hate this class.”

“Liar.” This was said in front of the principal.

“What a f**ken loser!”

“What kind of teacher are you?” in a smug, snarky voice.

Those are just some of the comments that have been directed at me this year.

Not all students are like this. I feel bad for the students who are there to learn. The amount of times I have heard students say they hate their classmates is unbelievable. Even other students notice the negativity in classes. They say their peers are disrespectful, rude, and ignorant. They can’t stand the way they treat the adults in the building but they do not say anything for fear of repercussion. They know they will retaliate. They know it’ll happen at school or online. I’m at a loss on how to help students and it’s taking its toll on me.

Throughout my years of teaching I have learned not to take my “work” home with me. This year is difficult. I told my spouse the other day “In the manner that some students treat me is like an abusive relationship where I can do nothing right and I’m always in the wrong and I’m constantly being put down. I know I shouldn’t allow them to get to me but when you have several kids like that it’s hard. In all my years of teaching I have never come across this before.”

And that’s where I’m at…mentally drained. I know I need to take care of me and my mental health.